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Sunday, 18 October 2015

Poor poor pitiful me

I am feeling really yucky and a little sorry for myself.  I am not good at dealing with being sick.  I have little patience and want all this cancer crap to be over.  I have struggled with anxiety and depression most of my life.  Depression and cancer is an awful combination.  I try to focus on one hour at a time.  Thinking of more than than, which I end up doing, gets me really down.

I slept most of the day yesterday, partly because I wasn't able to do anything else and partly because I just want not to be conscious while I go through this.  There are so many things that I "need" to do as I go through this journey, but being so nauseous, I am unable to do any of them.  So I get more anxious and everything is spinning like a bad nightmare all around me.

I still have squirrels in the walls and I am unsure how to solve this problem.  Orkin has abandoned me.  Do I continue trying or do I file a complaint?  I can't make decisions.  Should I put my home up for sale?  Probably, but I have no desire or energy to tidy up and get it ready for that.  And how in the world am I going to pack feeling as I do?

The snow has started ridiculously early this year and I need to get my snow tires on my car.  I can barely open my car door to get in and sit down let alone deal with loading 4 tires into my car and taking it to Hyundai to have it done, then bring back and unload the 4 summer tires back into my garage.  Argh! Michelle may take my car in to have this done.  God bless her.

I cut my hair short hoping this would be good enough, but my short brush cut hair do is still not enough.  The hair continues to fall.  I don't really care about going bald, but with everything else going on, it just seems worse.  And now my scalp hurts.  It's more of a sensitive all over feeling on my head, a stinging sensation when I rub my hands through my hair or when I comb it.  My scalp feels likes it's burning to the touch, which it probably is in a sense, the chemo doing it's magic, killing so much as it tries to heal.

I am injecting myself with neupogen (spelling?) for 7 days, to bring up the white blood cells that the body needs to fight infection and that the chemo kills off.  I am pretty proud of myself for being able to do this all by myself with a 1.5" needle....ouchie!

Normally I am okay being alone with my two crazy pups.  When you're sick, you revert, in part, to the child you were in years past and you want someone to take care of you.  I wish I could call out and ask someone to get me a popsicle because I just don't want to get off the couch.  Where are you mommy?  You brought me popsicles after I had my tonsils out and I felt so loved and safe.  Everything was going to be okay.

I can't get rid of the weird taste in my mouth.  I brush my teeth but it doesn't help.  And my mouth is always dry and sipping water or gingerale doesn't seem to relieve the dryness.  The nausea is always there during the first 4 days or so after a chemo treatment.  I can't wait until Tuesday when the nausea should have subsided somewhat.  I am working part time around the side effects of the chemo, which is mostly nausea, sore stomach, cramps, fatigue and an all over feeling of yuck. 

I am just finishing off a hot chocolate.  It tasted okay at first but as I swallow the last few sips, it has morphed and now melted candle wax trickles down my throat.


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