It's Monday afternoon and I have felt horribly ill since chemo last Wednesday. I do not want to continue with chemotherapy treatments at this rate.

Barb came yesterday and slept over. Thank God I have her. She picked up a few things at Shopper's, then some groceries at Foodland and this morning, before she left to go home, she picked up my mail.

I am feeling so useless and the past 5 days, feeling so sick and it being so close to Christmas has left me feeling really angry. I just want to punch the world and scream at it......WHY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I haven't been out (except to move my car forward 10' in my driveway so Barb could park). What a waste of time! I have done completely nothing to get ready for Christmas and have not been at work. I feel so guilty, yet don't know what I can do about it. I am not sleeping well and when I do, I have the strangest dreams. I sleep, I awaken, I sleep, I awaken....this pattern goes on about a 100 times a night. My legs are throbbing with pain, so much pain....aching, throbbing, burning, sharp pain all night long. I twist and turn and moan and groan. I have had very little solid food to eat as I can't chew and swallow. Is is psychological or physical or both? I don't know. I have been drinking Ensure, a nutrient rich supplement since yesterday.  Thank goodness I can keep it down.

The lower back pain and abdominal pain continue to grab me tight and with the leg pain, it's almost unbearable. Overall, since last Thursday, I am a bit better, so that's a good thing. And to think I was told I would have little side effects from the PACLitaxel. Instead I have never been so sick in my life, side effects and duration unlike anything I have ever known. And it's the fear of the unknown. What is happening to my body?

I just left a message with my PDN (patient designated nurse) from the cancer clinic. I just wanted to let her know how awful I was feeling and if there was anything that could be done?? I find my calls to the cancer clinic aren't returned very quickly which leaves me wondering what is it I should be doing that I am not. Why don't calls get returned? I also said that I was not going to continue with chemo if this is what I had to go through.

And it's hard living alone. I'm a real anxious person at the best of times and am comforted having someone around especially when I feel so awful. It was nice having Barb here. She caters to me and I am distracted somewhat from my pain. She'll be back Christmas Eve. Hopefully I am feeling better by then. I do plan to go to work tomorrow. Lord, give me strength.