Defies explanation?

I wasn't feel quite right last night before heading up for bed. I couldn't explain it, but something wasn't right.

When I got into bed and lay down, I had these awful pains around my sternum. It felt a little like something was broken, maybe a bit of throbbing, jabbing........it was hard to describe, but was painful. I couldn't lie on my left side. I couldn't like on my right side. I couldn't lie on my back, but did so for what seemed like forever, afraid, but not daring to move. What was wrong?

Actually all along my thoughts were that I may be in the process of having a heart attack. I was scared, but I know when I am scared, I panic and my whole body seizes up, goes tense. So I did my best to stay calm. Of course my imagination was fully in gear. I thought my arms were going numb. Maybe they were. I'll never know. I thought that if this continued, I'd calmly get up, go downstairs, get dressed, make sure my dogs were fed and watered, call 911 and wait. I was going to tell them to not have their sirens going or their lights flashing as that was embarrassing. I would call Barb in the morning from the hospital and ask her to check on my pups and bring me my CPAP.........or maybe I should take my CPAP with me in the ambulance?

After about 15 minutes of pain, I slowly sat up and felt a little better. I sat on the edge of my bed. The pups were awake and wondering what I was doing. I told them everything was fine and to go back to sleep. I was prepared to call 911, but decided to wait a little longer. I lay down again and the same pain was back. I realized that sitting or standing, I was in much less pain, but lying down was painful, between a throb, an ache and a bit of stabbing. It was painful to breath, to clear my throat, to cough. I decided to try to sleep sitting up, so propped 3 pillows behind my head, did my best to relax......

.......and prayed.

"Dear God, are you kidding me? Have you not given me enough crosses to bear? I am doing my best to get healthy. I rejoined Weight Watcher's and have been doing well. I am smoking less....my goal to eventually quit. Please God, don't do this to me", etc, etc and then fell asleep. I woke up a while later without pain. I felt happy, and taking away the stack of pillows, keeping one, I rolled over onto my left side, curled up and went back to sleep.

I have been fine since.

Defies explanation? Maybe. Maybe not.

Service Canada (particularly EI) is such a marvelous and easy to manage site............NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you friggin' kidding me???? I applied for EI the first week of October. I have yet to receive any payment. Today is December 22, so let me calculate this, um, let's see.........almost 4 freaking months!!!

Every single time I try to fill out the online forms, I get this error message that they are experiencing problems, to come back later or give them a call, etc, etc, etc. I come back later and get the same message. I try again the next day, then the next day, then a couple days later and get the same freaking message!!! What does one do?? I call the number they give and am in a queue for 35 minutes. I think not!! Three point five months of this!!! I can not believe that in this modern era of computers and groovy state of the art systems, that I can't get through to EI. I am not a lazy twit not wanting to work. I have cancer and need support, thank you very much.

I go online yesterday and their system is down. What.........the.........heck am I supposed to do people??  WHAT??

But the piece de resistance is what happened when I tried again today. I was informed that I was late filling out my forms and now have to reactivate my account. Oh. Really???????

Their site does not work and they do their ultimate best to make sure you can't possibly file a report.  Cuz if you could, they would not know what to do with it. They would be like "Ugh??! What??#"

Jesus, your birthday is in 3 days. This should be a happy time of year. Please help my life to get easier.  Please.

It's Monday afternoon and I have felt horribly ill since chemo last Wednesday. I do not want to continue with chemotherapy treatments at this rate.

Barb came yesterday and slept over. Thank God I have her. She picked up a few things at Shopper's, then some groceries at Foodland and this morning, before she left to go home, she picked up my mail.

I am feeling so useless and the past 5 days, feeling so sick and it being so close to Christmas has left me feeling really angry. I just want to punch the world and scream at it......WHY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I haven't been out (except to move my car forward 10' in my driveway so Barb could park). What a waste of time! I have done completely nothing to get ready for Christmas and have not been at work. I feel so guilty, yet don't know what I can do about it. I am not sleeping well and when I do, I have the strangest dreams. I sleep, I awaken, I sleep, I awaken....this pattern goes on about a 100 times a night. My legs are throbbing with pain, so much pain....aching, throbbing, burning, sharp pain all night long. I twist and turn and moan and groan. I have had very little solid food to eat as I can't chew and swallow. Is is psychological or physical or both? I don't know. I have been drinking Ensure, a nutrient rich supplement since yesterday.  Thank goodness I can keep it down.

The lower back pain and abdominal pain continue to grab me tight and with the leg pain, it's almost unbearable. Overall, since last Thursday, I am a bit better, so that's a good thing. And to think I was told I would have little side effects from the PACLitaxel. Instead I have never been so sick in my life, side effects and duration unlike anything I have ever known. And it's the fear of the unknown. What is happening to my body?

I just left a message with my PDN (patient designated nurse) from the cancer clinic. I just wanted to let her know how awful I was feeling and if there was anything that could be done?? I find my calls to the cancer clinic aren't returned very quickly which leaves me wondering what is it I should be doing that I am not. Why don't calls get returned? I also said that I was not going to continue with chemo if this is what I had to go through.

And it's hard living alone. I'm a real anxious person at the best of times and am comforted having someone around especially when I feel so awful. It was nice having Barb here. She caters to me and I am distracted somewhat from my pain. She'll be back Christmas Eve. Hopefully I am feeling better by then. I do plan to go to work tomorrow. Lord, give me strength.

Being sick is scary

Continuing from my last post, I felt absolutely horrible all day yesterday. Horrible nausea, burning esophageal pain (at least I think that's what it was), stomach pain, sore lower back, abdominal pain, sore thighs, knees, feet.........every inch of my body was in excruciating pain and it scared me. I couldn't get comfortable no matter what I did, whether I stood or sat, walked or stayed still. I went to bed at 8:30 pm.  I think I was 7 or 8 the last time I went to bed that early.  I didn't have a choice. I slept a bit, woke up, tried to get comfortable, prayed, cried, fell back to sleep, woke, shifted to find a better position, went back to sleep, woke, prayed.......until 8:00 am.  My pups who had patiently been by my side for almost 12 hours, jumped out of bed.  I am so grateful that they stayed patient throughout the night, giving me unconditional love. Sleep is really important when you're sick.

I am feeling slightly better today. Thank God. Though my legs, abdomen and lower back are still very sore, my upper body has calmed down a bit. I haven't been eating much, which is a good way to lose weight, but not this way.  I just had a piece of toast and a scrambled egg.  It's hard to chew and swallow and food tastes like metal.

Besides the chemo meds that are cruelly finding their way around my body, I am taking Tylenol for pain, meds for nausea, meds for constipation, meds for the infection in my leg along with all the various meds I take for depression, anxiety and asthma. How do all these meds know how to work together to make my body better?  I think they are as puzzled as much as I am.

I am not ready for Christmas, haven't been outside (except to put garage out) since Wednesday night and really feeling sorry for myself.

I hope God hasn't forgotten me and has a plan for me.  Right now, I can't imagine what that could be.

It's Coco's 6th birthday today.  Happy Birthday to my adorable Yorkie rescue!  I love you. xoxo

I hate chemotherapy!

I am feeling horrible. I had chemo on Wednesday and was told by my oncologist that I wouldn't have much nausea this time around. Treatments 1 to 4 were over and I was on a new medication for treatment 5 (to 8). I was happy to hear this as I felt pretty yucky with nausea for 4 full days with each round of chemo thus far. 

I am feeling far worse now than I have since chemo treatments started. I am not only nauseous, but my chest, stomach, esophagus, intestines seem to be all working together to do their best to work against me.....from sharp to throbbing to piercing pains. Maybe heartburn? Indigestion? I have never felt these types of aches and pains and frankly, I wish I were dead! (figure of speech) I am going to discuss with her the possibility of ending chemo altogether. I'll take my chances. Not everyone can go through chemo with all the possible and horrible side effects. There are other treatments. As far as I know, I will be having radiation and hormone therapy down the line, perhaps sooner now that I can't imagine going through more chemo.

I keep saying it over and over.....cancer isn't tough, for me anyhow. It's the follow-up treatment that is really really difficult to go through. And I can't eat!! I can drink liquids (banana smoothie and chicken noodle soup yesterday), but I seem to be unable to actually chew or swallow solid food. It is so bizarre.  My tummy is grumbling as I write this, so I will go and make another banana smoothie I guess.

I  missed our work section Christmas luncheon yesterday. I was really looking forward to it. Damn! I am obviously not at work today either and am really hoping I will be feeling well enough to go to work Monday. I have work to do and really want to be able to get some stuff done before Christmas. I love my job and the people I work with. What can I say? I am lucky.

I managed to get my tree up and decorated before this latest round of chemo. Thank goodness as I would not be able to do anything about it now had I not.

Thank you my darling Michelle for coming with me to chemo on Wednesday and for staying the whole 5 hours. I am blessed to be your mom and love you to infinity and beyond! xo

Diabetes, chemo, gall bladder......so much fun!

So, I don't have diabetes, or even pre-diabetes...........wooohooooo!  That's good news.

I see a surgeon on Dec 8 to discuss my gall bladder situation.  It's just a consult at this time.

I am finally back on my chemo treatments.  I had my 4th today.  I'm half way there.  I will be on a different chemo drug for treatments 5 to 8.  I am curious to see if the side effects will be the same, similar, different etc.  Moe Moe is sweet.  She came to be with me today.  She has to take 3 busses.  She's so cute.  It was nice having her company.  I was able to drive her to Tunney's after chemo as I was going to work anyway.  It saved her 1 bus.  Not much, but something.  I didn't expect any of my sisters or my daughter to come today.  Michelle was working.  Barb had a meeting with her boss.  Patty has been to so many of my appointments at the General.  Moe is at the other end of the city and needs to take 3 busses.  She said she didn't mind and even likes to take busses.  Funny girl.

At my treatment today I asked if I could have my next appt on the 16th.  It is currently booked 2 weeks from today on Thursday, Dec 17.  I prefer Wednesdays as Michelle is off that day and able to come with me plus we are having our work section Christmas lunch on the 17th and I really don't want to miss it.  I mentioned to my oncologist this past Tuesday when I saw her how I preferred Wednesdays and that going today, Thursday, was ok since I hadn't been on chemo for 5 weeks and switching days this one time was fine.  I will call her tomorrow to discuss.  I really can't understand what difference a day makes.  We'll see.

I have done lots of Christmas baking.  I'm just one crazy baking queen!  I get like that.  I don't bake for, well, months and months, and then I simply go nuts (no pun intended) when I put my mind to it.  I have baked 11 or 12 different things.  My freezer is full and I am out of plastic containers!  My sisters and I are having a cookie exchange.  I've done my baking, Patty will do her baking, Moe Moe doesn't want to bake (haha) and Barb doesn't have time.  I told her she and I could give my desserts together and she can just pay me for half the ingredients.  It's all good.  We'll get together before Christmas to do the exchange.  I am hoping we decide to go out for lunch since I don't like the unpredictability of the weather this time of year so would prefer not to go out in the evening.

My printer died a few weeks ago.  Patty and Fred decided to buy me one as a Christmas gift because they know money is real tight and I use my printer quite a bit. It was so generous and kind of them to do this.  I ordered one from Staples and it came yesterday.....yay!  It has a good review and was on sale to boot!  Michelle will set it up for me when she has a chance.  Hopefully that's this weekend :-)

Orkin man is coming tomorrow.  I still have critters in my wall and ceiling.  It's been almost 3 months since I called them.  They've been here 5 times already.  Why is this so complicated?  Why?

I am feeling nauseous.  At least not having chemo had advantages.......no side effects.  I don't like feeling this way one single bit.  C'est la vie.

I am so bad at keeping up with my blog.  Oh well, that's who I am.

I haven't hadn't any chemo since October 28.  I am still having issues with my leg.  I have gone through 3 rounds of anti-biotics and still, I have this open disgusting red sore on my calf.  It's not getting worse, but it's not getting better.  Tomorrow I will meet with an infectious disease doctor.  Hopefully this silliness can be figured out.  I saw the oncologist yesterday.  We discussed the possibility that it could be a symptom of diabetes.  I don't have diabetes, that I know of, but maybe I do.  Oh brother.

I had an MRI last week of my abdomen because of the issues I am having with my gallbladder.  The MRI results confirmed what the ultrasound suspected.......I have polyps in my gallbladder.  It may or may not be cancerous, so I will be meeting with a surgeon to discuss this in the near future.  If I need surgery, it will be put on hold until my chemo is completed.  And my chemo is on hold until we figure out what's wrong with my leg.  I may need plastic surgery to fill in the hole in my leg.  God give me strength.

On a more pleasant note, my beautiful, funny and talented daughter, Michelle turned 25 last Saturday, Nov. 21.  My sweetheart is a whole quarter century!  I feel so old.  I can't believe the years have slipped away so fast.  Remember to appreciate your kids every single day, especially when they are young........when they fight and cry and complain and argue with you, seemingly on a daily basis.  You may sometimes wish they'd grow up quicker because you can't stand the trials and tribulations. But boy oh boy, when you wake up and they are grown up and you wonder where the years went.............anyway, appreciate them always, in the moment.   Children are our greatest gift and we must remember not to focus on the grief they sometimes give us.  We must always remember to focus on the joy and happiness that they bring.  The good far outweighs the bad.  Thank you Michelle for being my daughter.  I love you. xoxo

I am still quite bald and really wish my hair would come back.  As thin and grey as it was, and as much as I complained that I had the worst hair on the planet, at least I had hair.  We don't appreciate what we have, until it's gone.  I must remember to be patient.  It will be some time before I get it back.  But I'll get it back.

Sweet dreams.........